


What do you want from a devil like me?

by visceralsine



Category: Youtube - RPF
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Cheating, Drug Use, Eating Disorders, First Time, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-04-04
Packaged: 2019-10-13 22:22:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17496461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/visceralsine/pseuds/visceralsine
Summary: Felix and Jack are scheduled to spend the summer together collaborating. Felix is engaged. Jack's happy for him. On the surface everything appears to be headed in the right direction.When they wake up in bed together, their lives begin to unravel. Felix struggles to come to terms with his feelings hoping to avoid the subject indefinitely.Jack is pulled into the downward spiral that Felix has embarked on. He knows they're only delaying the inevitable. They both do.Still, it's easier to pretend Felix isn't slowly starving himself, Jack isn't enabling him, they aren't becoming codependent, and more than anything it's just easier to pretend they won't have to face their lives back in Brighton when it's all over.





	1. I'm an old abandoned church with broken pews and empty aisles

**Author's Note:**

> This fic has a playlist. Some of that will be evident in the title and chapter titles. I'll link a Spotify or 8tacks playlist if anyone is interested. This isn't a songfic though.

Prologue Part I

Following an early recording, Felix spent the morning sorting through a wardrobe comprised of primarily black shirts and pants looking for something clean to wear that wasn't covered in Edgar and Maya's hair. Jack was coming over later and they had planned on spending the weekend gaming and ordering take out. After a final once over in the mirror ensuring his hair wasn't sticking out out in the back, he headed to the kitchen in search of caffeine.

Marzia had left to spend to spend the weekend with her family after scolding Felix for trying to steal the uncooked noodles she was preparing off the counter. She'd managed to fill the fridge with meals for the coming days. He kissed her on the cheek and said goodbye. With Marzia absent for the weekend he could relax into his increasing sense of apathy over some whiskey. No need to conceal the absolute nothing he felt about his life and their relationship. Not that he was very good at it. The apathy was getting to Marzia. She knew something was wrong, but for reasons unknown to Felix did little to push the issue beyond asking if he was okay. Maybe she could feel the relationship falling apart and didn't want to test it.

The feeling behind all of this must have shown through despite his best efforts in maintaining a facade. He wanted to tell Marzia (did he?). At the very least he didn't want to keep this up any longer. His feelings had become increasingly apathetic.The relationship had begun to feel more and more like a companionship. His love for her was had evolved into an echo of a memory, a fondness born of familiarity.

In an attempt to stir up the feelings he once held, he had proposed to her. He knew he couldn't keep this up forever, he felt it even as he slid the ring over her finger. It felt like all the times he had thrown back one to many shots of whiskey knowing he'd awaken the following day curled up on the bathroom floor. That sick tempting sensation had left him watching his life unfold in a direction he wanted nothing to do with. Yet he sat waiting for the inevitable disaster to unfold.  
It was too late to turn back. He _wanted_ to want that life but he _didn't_.

He had little interest in resolving the matter. Beyond the messiness break ups entailed, his would be fodder for the masses and he didn't want to put Marzia through that. Of course he knew it was far worse to wait, he just didn't have the energy to deal with it. It was easier to wait. Easier to ignore the emotionless sex filled with thoughts of nameless faces belonging to strange men. He couldn't get through it without letting his mind wonder. He couldn't afford to let his disinterest show through and that led his mind away from Marzia.

Thoughts of the his friend had tried to make an errant appearance on several occasions. He chose not to dwell on them once it was over feeling as though he had somehow tainted their friendship. He didn't want to fall into that rabbit hole. It was one thing in heat of the moment. Wherever it led, he was hoping avoid that path. Things were becoming increasingly tangled and uncertain without contemplating his less than platonic feelings for his best friend..

Why he spent 40 minutes getting ready to see Jack was another matter he chose not to investigate. The feelings involved were step above his willingness to explore this issue beyond the pure lust involved His uncertain sexual flexibility was something he actively avoided thinking about. It was never going to be something he felt comfortable sharing with the public and his interest in women had allowed him to avoid discussing it all together. No one needed to know, and it was none of their business.

Today wasn't about the disaster of a performance that his inner turmoil premiered on a daily basis He was going to get hammered. He wanted an afternoon free of internal crisis. Jack was coming over in a couple hours and it was the first thing he had felt excited about in weeks. He stood up and swallowed the last of his monster energy drink tossing the can into trash bin as he headed for his computer looking for something to distract him while he waited.

Upon settling in back in his computer room, he began casually scrolling through the subreddit subreddit submissions. One of them was a screenshot from the video he had done with Jack over a year ago. They had captured a screenshot of Jack bent down in front of him while he threw back his head. There was a meme in this image or at least joke poking fun at their mistake. The image was a mere coincidence, but lead his mind in a different direction as he began be to imagine the presumed act. They hadn't done any like that and despite his not so subtle flirting with Jack it never went far. An image of Jack between his thighs filled his mind. His instinct was to immediately repress and replace, but he's alone. For the first time in a long time, he is completely alone. He felt his cock responding to the image of Jack as it continued to linger in his thoughts. The sick twist of guilt in his stomach only made him want to give in to the fantasy more. He was clearly sick. Fuck it.

He found himself browsing pornhub in search of slim guys with brown hair and blue eyes. He wound up settling on a few videos with angles that were somewhat ambiguous opting to avoid faces altogether. It wasn't great but it was enough. He stretched out and began to absently stroke his cock. It was already half hard at the thought of Jack's lips wrapped around his dick. He found himself concentrating on a man obscured from the camera angle as he prepared his co star before inserting an obnoxious dildo into him. His own willingness to move from a passing stray thought to stroking his dick while he envisioned his best friend being loosened up in front of camera was symptomatic of serious repression that honestly surprised him.

Distantly, the sound of a text message interrupted his train of thought like a muffled wind chime.  
It was from Marzia. Probably checking in on him while his dick leaked at the sight of a man letting saliva pool into another man's asshole before pulling him into his lap and his onto cock in a single motion The sick part of this was that it only made the experience that much better...or worse? He just felt it in a more visceral way. It made it that much more tangible. The text could wait. He was getting close.  
Jack had probably already left. The thought that they'd be hanging out shortly, and the fact that he would have no idea what Felix had been doing before hand only sped up the process. The image on the screen was overlaid with his own sick fantasy in his mind. Jack fucking himself in Felix's lap with Marzia knocking on the door to ask what was going on as he rammed his cock into Jack pulling him down into it as his came. Another sound caught his attention as he finished. This time it was a call from Jack.


	2. Don't Bring Tomorrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm compiling a playlist for this fic. The chapter and fic titles are all songs.  
> Title:  
> "Devil like me" - Rainbow Kitten Surprise  
> Chapter 1:  
> "I Will Play My Game Beneath the Spin Light" - Brand New  
> Chapter 2:  
> "Tomorrow" - Daughter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to post this. I started school two weeks ago and it's been really hectic. This chapter is much longer though.

Prologue II:

Ignoring what he'd just done Felix picked up his phone and told Jack he'd be down in a few.  
The shame knifing through his stomach strained his actions. He stood from his desk and began searching for a towel to clean himself off thinking to himself ‘deep breaths Felix he's not a mind reader for fucks sake.’

A text alert chimed in the background as he hastily dried off and threw on a clean shirt. He'd respond to Marzia later. Upon opening the front door, that exposed feeling remained but the sight of his best friend tapping on the doorframe distracted him. He laughed at the look on Jack's face. Jack was clearly sick of waiting but expected nothing more.

He smacked Felix on the arm and said “Finally got around to answering the door?”

“I was preparing for our epic battle...had to stuff my socks with quarters”

“Hahahaha of course” Jack nodded matter of factly.

A brief silence stretched out between them, they hadn’t seen each other in over a month

“So yeah...get in here already I've got the place all to myself”

Felix grinned at the sight of Jack settling into the couch and dropping his things on the floor.

“It's been too fucking long..”

“Tell me about it…. congratulations on the engagement man”

He couldn't help but think that there was something in Jack's voice that felt….strained? It was something he wouldn't have caught if he didn't know the difference between Seán and Jack the YouTube personality. Or maybe that's just what he wanted to hear.

“Yeah...thanks it's…it's really great” he coughed holding back a wave of nausea. Fuck he'd say anything to avoid this topic. “So what are we going to play first?”

//

The rest of the day went over smoothly as they quickly fell into sync. It felt so easy to be with Jack. It was the kind of friendship that had been there before it began. They didn't need to express themselves verbally beyond the initial pleasantries.

There was an unspoken understanding that settled between them passing chopsticks and controllers without a word. It should've been perfect. He should have been satisfied with what he had but he wasn't. The casual touches killed Felix and Jack filled the spaces between them with ease. The tension between them was only superseded by fear. What if it was all in his head? Why did he feel the need to let his untoward desires dictate his thoughts?

He wasn't about to let this ruin his weekend. They had made it through the first night without issue retiring to bed at a reasonable hour with Jack in the guest bed and Felix in his own quietly nursing a bottle of whiskey before passing out. He had recorded Sunday's video earlier that day so he wouldn't need to worry about getting to bed early. He had responded to Marzia letting her know that everything was okay. He had everything planned for the day ahead. They were going to stay up late and take a break from the daily grind.

They spent most of the afternoon playing Super Smash Bros Melee on an old GameCube and catching up. The game was great and all but he really just wanted a drink. The fact that Jack would be joining him only made the wait that much worse. He just wanted an excuse to get hammered with with his friend. He didn't have any overt intentions but his stomach twisted in knots all the same. They'd gotten drunk together on several occasions but it had never been just the two of them. They had a chemistry that hit him like a high school crush heavy and gnawing. He didn't want to think of it that way. He hated the thought that another man was at the root of this feeling. He couldn't come to terms with it so he tried to work around it. 

Despite this, his head filled with scenarios that might result in contact beyond sitting shoulder to shoulder. The kiss during Cringemas came to mind. It happened so quickly but it had consumed his thoughts for weeks. It felt real. Not the fleeting sensation that told him he'd be getting laid soon. It was a rush of affection and desire that filled him up. It felt like the kind of love that you saw in black and white films, desperate and Earth shattering. The feelings of shame and confusion that followed suit were quickly quelled with the knowledge that it had all been an act. It was all fanservice. It was for charity.

It became harder to use this line of reasoning as time dragged on. It felt too real, not just a product of hormones and desire. It was a feeling of adoration that made him ravenous.  
The only other man he’d ever kissed had been a guy he went to college with in Sweden. They had fooled around before and were seeing each other pretty frequently. Despite this, it wasn't an intimate relationship by any means. Theirs was one built on mutual need and convenience. He was the first man that Felix had ever slept with and he didn't even know the guys name. He knew it was fucked up but he kept coming back for more. There was some thrill in the experience. The feeling of being needed, being used. It was a short lived high that allowed him to act on his fantasies. The pain he had felt initially became a part of the fantasy. Initially it had been a mutual exchange of goods. Sometimes they'd pass a bottle of cheap gin back and forth. The smell of gin was forever tied to memories of waking up bruised and raw. He sucked cock like a champ and didn't ask questions. He had made a half assed attempt to end their arrangement at one point. It didn't go over, and the next time they met up the guy was pissed. He had pulled out a little plastic bag filled with white powder. Felix didn't ask what it was. When he finished cutting up a few lines, he handed Felix a tiny straw and waited. Wanting to avoid any grand confrontation, he leaned down and snorted a fat line off the desk. It hit him immediately, the pain cutting up his nose and throat faded to a pleasant buzz numbing all the thoughts that had begun to eat at him. He had never felt so free. Empty. He began to associate the two events in his head.  
After that it became a routine, snorting lines off of this man's dick just to get that fix.  
The guy was a real piece of work but he was discreet.  
This went on for about a semester until they were inevitably caught.

They had been meeting up in Felix's shared room whenever his roommate drove out to see his parents. When his roommate happened to come home early and walked in on them making out, the guy panicked, shoved Felix out of the way, and bolted.

The next day, he overheard the him talking to a group of friends he sat with “...yeah Kjellberg. I had to pry him off of me. I knew he was a fag I just never thought he'd try and come on to me like that.”

He could hear the group laughing even as he turned the corner on his way out. The memory was forever burned into his consciousness. He couldn't take that feeling again. He knew that things had changed. People we're more accepting these days. It didn't help. He still felt that dread and shame at the thought of being seen with another man. It had been years but the memory was just as nauseating to this day. He could almost taste it, blood, coke, and cherry lube. He would wash it down with gin and stale cigarettes while he sat in a tub filled with water that had gone cold hours ago.  
He needed that drink right about now and it was five o'clock clock somewhere.

“Hey Jack”

He responded without looking away from the screen “Yeah?”

“Wanna split a bottle of whiskey?”

“Fuck. You have a problem man”

“Is that a yes or what?”

“Sure, why not”

Felix stood leaving Jack to slump to the side grumbling in protest. On his way to the kitchen he grabbed a blanket and tossed it over the couch.

“Thanks” Jack grabbed the blanket cocooning himself in it.

“That's mine, you have to share or find your own”

“It's mine and Edgar's now”

“Pfft we'll see….”

Deciding to skip the glasses all together he grabbed a mid tier bottle of Irish whiskey and headed for the couch. Setting the bottle on the coffee table he sat down and took a sizeable swig from it.

“Are you nervous about getting married?”

Felix nearly choked on the whiskey he was drinking and just managed to avoid dropping the bottle but not without spilling a sizeable amount of it all over himself.

“you okay?”

“Yeah I-I'm fine I just...can we not talk about this right now?”

“I mean..is there something wrong or I don't know…..we don't have to talk about it”

“No, no it's fine…. it's uh nerves”

“Oh...well... I'm sure it'll pass. Everyone gets nervous before their wedding at some point. Usually right beforehand….but that's okay! Listen, if you change your mind...I'm all ears”

Felix was deliberately avoiding eye contact at this point and responded “It's cool, thank you though, for being there I mean. I'd tell you if it was anything serious though.” He stood and peeled off his wet shirt tossing it on the floor before grabbing the blanket that Jack had forgotten about.

“Hey!”

“Hehehe you let your guard down Jack. It's mine now. Besides I need it more I'm practically naked.”

“You're not naked, you're just too lazy to get another shirt” Jack scoffed holding back laughter. “And give me that!”

Felix let him take the whiskey and watched as he threw back a few several gulps of the stuff. He wondered what their respective tolerance levels were. Unlike Jack, Felix had been drinking on a near daily basis over the past few weeks. No sense stopping now. He pulled the bottle back and chugged an additional shot’s worth of whiskey. That familiar warmth hit his stomach reminding him of all the times he'd done this before. Alone.

A pleasant calm filled the room as they drank and laughed. They played some stupid drinking game and watched cringey movies passing the bottle back and forth. Felix could feel the whiskey burning in his empty stomach. He hadn't eaten anything substantial since ordering take out that first night. He wanted to feel that warmth and ache that came with drinking on an empty stomach. More than anything his eating habits had spiraled out of control over the past few years. Not that anyone noticed. He had quickly learned that drinking and eating on a regular basis made him soft around the edges. So he chose to continue drinking. The only problem being that his tolerance suffered significantly. He could feel the edges of his vision pulling back as his speech began to slur. Jack was faring no better with his face flushed and his eyes unfocused.

“Remember Cringemas?”

“No... what's that?” Jack grinned and stretched out til his head was on the arm rest and his legs were on Felix's lap.

“ha ha actually, I'm pretty sure it's the anthem of your people Jack" Felix replied before throwing a couch pillow at Jack's face.

“My people?!?” Jack responded laughing . “Actually, I was quite smooth.”

“That's what you think, huh? You think you're so slick” Felix taunted suddenly reminded of their time during revel mode.

“Yeah, I mean. I basically swept you off your feet” he responded grinning haughtily.

“That's called acting Jack. Something an amateur like you wouldn't know anything about”

“Wanna bet?”

“What are you going’ to serenade me again?” Felix laughed nervously somehow feeling more drunk and sober than he had in weeks.

Jack had moved at some point and was seated facing Felix. “I mean... that wasn't the part that swept you off your feet... so..”

All of the hair on his arms stood up as Jack inched closer. The tension that he had felt between them was choking the air from the room.

“Sweep me off my feet Jack”  
The words tumbled out as he heard his own heart pounding in his ears. It was too late to take it back.

The next thing he knew Jack was kissing him with all the conviction of a man downing. He pressed back not wanting the moment to end. The last time that they had kissed it had been so chaste and brief. The passion and force in what they were doing now was the culmination of so many charged moments left unspoken. He pressed at Jack who let his mouth fall open allowing Felix run his tongue over Jacks. He let out a shaky sigh and inhaled before further deepening the kiss.

He could feel Jack pressing his shoulder back and climbing into his lap. Jack tentatively ran his hands along his sides and over his back. The pent up feelings they’d had for years left them both hungry and desperate to seize the moment. He let his own hands slide over Jack’s ass and pulled him closer. Their breath was heavy and the smell of sweat and whiskey hung between them. He could feel Jack’s cock bump into his own through his jeans and pressed back instinctively. They had crossed some threshold a while ago and there was no point in holding back. Jack moaned responding in kind and moving to unbutton Felix’s jeans. Not to be outdone he began sliding Jack’s shirt over his head then moved to pull him towards the bedroom. He could feel their hands entwined. The experience was so intimate and it made him nervous, more nervous than he had felt in a long time. Tripping out of jeans and socks they stumbled into bed together. The additional contact was overwhelming. He sighed pressing kisses along Jack’s neck, legs tangled, nose to nose. He rolled them both over wanting to be on top and in control of the situation.

“I’ve wanted for this for so long. You have no idea.”

“I told you that I swept you off your feet.”

He laughed and rolled his hips in response

“-ah. Fuck.”

Felix grinned at the response and slid his hands under the waistband of Jack’s boxers experimentally before removing them completely. His own followed suit and they shifted until the space between them vanished. The alcohol served to spare them any questions or turmoil. It was just the two of them alone in the moment.

“Have you ever done anything like this…. I mean with another guy?” Felix could feel his face flush even as he said it.

“Once with a guy I knew before YouTube. We dated briefly but we never told anyone. We never really did anything beyond blowjobs and hand stuff.”

Felix felt a surge of jealousy sear the pit of his stomach and bit down on Jack's shoulder in protest. Jack kissed the top of his head. The affection was suffocating for Felix.

“What about you?”

“Yeah. Back in college. It was. Brief. He topped and I just went with it. It wasn't like we stopped to talk about it.”

“What a prick, you deserve more than that”

“I mean...it's fine. It was a long time ago”

Felix felt more exposed having this discussion than he had when he initially stripped down. Anxious to end the conversation he began pressing kisses into Jack's skin starting with his neck and working down until he reached his inner thigh.

“We can talk about this beforehand you know?”

They really couldn't. Not without addressing their respective relationships. He looked up at Jack and took the length of his cock in his mouth in one swift motion. A choked moan replaced whatever Jack had planned on saying and Felix got to work.

He took his time and began to run his tongue along the side of Jack's cock as his head moved up and down. He grabbed Jack's hands and placed them on his head hoping to convey a message. Jack responded in kind pulling at his hair and pressing him down further as he tilted his hips forward until he heard Felix choking and stopped.

Felix wanted to feel used. He wanted Jack to abuse his throat. He loved the way it felt heavy in his mouth. The little gasps and moans went straight to his cock.

At the same time, he wanted to convey all of the things that he held inside. The adoration he felt for this man held inside for so long came through in his actions gentle and devoted choking on his own desire as he pushed the limits of his experience.

Jack's face was flushed and tense as he watched Felix at work. Every breath and every sound drawn from his lips came in time with his partners movements.

“Fuck, Felix...it's too much I'm going to..”

Felix kept at it but Jack pulled him up and off.

“I don't want this to end. I don't want to do anything half assed with you Fe. I want you in me...I need to feel you” Jack said as he blushed uncertain of where they stood, how far Felix was willing to go with this.

“I… are you sure? It hurts like a bitch initially. I mean. I can ease you into it. I don't want to hurt you”

“Yeah. I’m sure”

“I..okay. I'll be careful.”

Felix could tell that he was nervous. He stood up and started rifling through a box under the bed and returned with a small tube. Setting it aside he sat between Jack's thighs and started kissing his inner thighs moving downward before pausing to look up.

“Are you okay with this?”

Jack's face was flushed and he was looking away shyly. He looked down and nodded.

Felix continued kissing Jack's inner thighs and moved towards his perineum. The look on Jack's face was so god damn adorable Felix just wanted to spend the night eating him out, watching him come apart. He started slowly running his tongue over his entrance. Jack's thighs fell open slightly adjusting to the sensation giving Felix the confidence to continue. He kept going and pressed his lips against Jack and moving his tongue decisively. He could feel Jack relaxing as began pressing into him with his tongue. Jack groaned and his hips jerked forward. Felix coated his index and pointer finger with lube before beginning to press into him. He went slowly, waiting for Jack to adjust to the sensation and then started moving pulling his finger back out and in again before adding a second one. He was searching for Jack's prostate hoping to distract him from the initial stretch. As he curled his fingers upward he felt Jack's body jerk as a breathy moan fell out of him.

“You okay?”

“ah...y-yes. again. Fe’, please..”

Felix began running his finger over the same spot in a circular motion. He couldn't help but stare as Jack pressed back against his hand, thighs spread, his face tensed in concentration. He kept this up for a few minutes easing Jack into until he was ready.

“Felix….Fe’...I need you..please”

“I...um. I don't have any condoms but I have, I went to the doctor like a month ago I have the results in my desk, I can-”

“I trust you. Just. Please”

“Okay um one sec”

Felix warmed some lube in his hands and began to cover his cock hissing at the contact. When he was sufficiently prepared he positioned himself at Jack's entrance and began to press forward slowly. He could feel the stretch like a vice on his cock. Jack was so fucking tight he had to concentrate to avoid cumming right then and there. He kept going watching Jack's face for any sign of pain.

“Just let me know if you need me to stop”

“I'm-I’m good keep going”

Felix could feel Jack's body tensing around him as he finally bottomed out. They were joined together at the hips, skin on skin. He turned Jack's face to look him in the eyes and leaned down to kiss him. The kiss deepened and it seemed to distract him from the pain. Jack had begun to move pressing up and letting out a shaky sigh. Felix began moving slowly. He could feel every inch of Jack's body as he pulled his hips back and then forward again deeper each time enjoying the breathy moans he was drawing from Jack.

“I don't want anyone else to ever do this to you. I just want you here like this. On your back. Thighs spread open like a little slut. You were made for this”

What the fuck was Felix saying?

“Only you. Only for you.”

Jack let out a choked groan deep in his throat and tried to grab hold of Felix's hips to pull him in deeper. Felix let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding and slammed into Jack roughly grateful that his slip had gone over so smoothly. A low and possessive growl left his lungs as he bit into Jack's shoulder. He wanted to test the limits of their relationship. He wanted to get what he could. Always selfish and taking. It brought him to his knees wallowing in self hatred and liquor. He didn't know how he was going to manage the fallout in the morning. He just wanted this to last. The uncertainty that lay ahead was not lost on him.

Whatever was happening between them had been a long time coming, and the alcohol allowed them this moment. Everything else existed in some other plane outside of here, now, and the two of them. The closeness between them was an undercurrent in their relationship that gave way to wordless communication. When Felix let his thoughts tumble out like this he was betting on how well he knew Jack, what he inferred about him, and what he suspected. Determining what to reveal was a complicated maneuver that he simply didn't have the ability to perform drunk out of his mind. He was running on instinct and it was terrifying and thrilling all at once.

“I think about you like this at night when I'm alone. Desperate and begging for cock. I imagine you fucking my mouth with your hands around my throat. Your cock slamming into me while I fade in and out of consciousness”

Maybe he had revealed too much. Jack was staring at him eyes wide hands opening and closing around the sheets.

“I think about you every morning in the shower while SIgne does her videos. I imagine riding your cock, holding you down until you give in and just fuck me properl”

Felix groaned in a low animalistic tone and thrust into Jack forcefully

“Du är jävligt vacker”

Jack responded rolling his hips as Felix shifted to lay on his back. He could feel Felix heavy inside pressing into that spot that made him fall apart.

Felix was helplessly thrusting his hips forward as he watched Jack fuck himself on his cock. Every time Jack pulled his hips up, he dropped back down letting gravity do the work exhaling breathily. They fell into an easy rhythm drowning in the moment with every gasp and shudder punctuating the journey down.

“Seán…”

Jack’s movements had become more deliberate. Hearing his name on Felix’s lips was dragging him careening to the finish line.

Felix could feel Jack tensing around him as he came. He soon followed suit chanting his name like a prayer. He pressed into Jack one last time shuddering as he came down from the high. Jack rolled off of him and they lay side by side silent and still.

“Felix?”

“Yeah?”

“What happens in the morning?”

“I don’t want to think about what happens in the morning…. because I don't know...I just want to be here with you...”

Jack pulled Felix’s arm around his waist and sighed. Felix whispered something to him in swedish as they drifted off. He tried to hold onto the words but couldn't.

“….det har alltid varit du”


	3. I've been cold, I've been merciless, but the blood on my hands scares me to death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SO. Things took a sharp turn here and I do apologize. I had to update the tags again. If you've struggled with eating disorders I do want to caution this chapter gets into this subject matter. It gets fairly graphic so if you're struggling please be cautious. I wrote this using my own experiences in informing the details.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the slow update. This one was a bit harder to force my way through. It was a bit therapeutic but difficult nonetheless.  
> Song for this chapter: Dear God, I Hate Myself - Xiu Xiu or alternatively I'll be good - Jaymes Young

Jack awoke with a searing pain behind his eyes. The light streaming through the curtains felt like a knife pulling the bones from his face. He hadn’t been this hungover in months and it did nothing to ease the sense of foreboding he was experiencing. As he sat up and pulled his legs toward his chest. He could feel the bruises on his hips and the bite marks on his shoulders. He felt raw and sticky with cum and sweat. He made a conscious effort to recount the events of the night before.

 

He had finally conjured up the courage to kiss Felix. If only he had had the courage to end things with Signe beforehand. Things had begun to deteriorate between them so long ago he’d lost track of when or how it all began. He didn’t want to hurt Signe’s feelings, but his interest in Felix had been there for years. He never imagined that anything would come of it. They were best friends, they were both in committed relationships. _Fuck._ Felix was engaged. He could hear sounds in the other room. How late had he slept in? Jack sighed pressing his hands into his eyes. They needed to talk about this. He didn’t know what he was going to say but something needed to be said.

 

He stumbled out of bed and almost tripped on his own clothes. After searching for his boxer briefs for an inordinate amount of time, he had finally gathered up all of his clothes putting them on methodically to avoid making too much noise. Despite the easy conversation that usually flowed between him and Felix, he couldn't help but feel nervous, unsure of where they stood in the light of day. He slowly opened the bedroom door and peered out. Felix was in the kitchen rifling through cabinets while eating a bowl of cereal. He didn't even hear Jack leave the bedroom.

 

As Jack walked toward the kitchen it became clear that Felix was more than a little hungry. There were wrappers, bowls, packages, and empty casserole dishes spread out over the countertops. Felix continued to eat his cereal as he tossed a plate of lasagne in the microwave. His hands looked bruised and blue. Indents shaped like teeth hovered above his knuckles.  

 

As he turned to face Jack, his hands shook and he promptly dropped the bowl he had been holding. Milk splattered everywhere pooling at their feet and seeping into the tile. It pulled in different directions like the blood that hadn't been there.  Still, Jack swore he felt it fall from his mouth. It was a punch to the jaw. It left him reeling from the questions that suddenly filled him as he choked on his understanding.

 

“So….uhm. Are you hungry? I'm just...really hungover. I know it looks weird. I just couldn't pick any one thing and I got a bit carried away…..but I'm probably going to go running later so..it's not a big deal”

 

The sight of Felix's thin frame contrasted with the excessive quantities of food he had laid out brought everything full circle. As Felix bent over to pick up the bowl he'd dropped, Jack was suddenly acutely aware of the implications sewn into his friend’s form. The muscles in his back were taut and pulled over a rib cage that looked ready to break out of the body that held them.  It was obvious that there was more to this than a simple hangover. As for Felix running later, they both knew that was bullshit.

 

Felix turned and continued to busy himself stirring some kind of batter apparently unwilling or unable to wait for a response. Jack tried to recall their last meal together remembering only that they had ordered take out. Did Felix eat any of the food they ordered? He couldn't remember. Why hadn't he picked up on any of this before?

 

Felix had been thin for years now. Jack had never stopped to think about it.  He'd stolen enough heated glances in secret, he should have seen the bones, should've asked about the number of times he left food cold on his plate. He'd been too focused on the unspoken moments between them, on propping up his own withering relationship, on how he was going to make it through this. Things had clearly been escalating. If he was eating, it couldn't be often, at least not if he was eating like this. It was some sort of eating disorder. How often did men get eating disorders? Maybe it happened more often than people realized because Jack sure as hell felt blindsided. Or maybe this was just a fluke? Maybe he was just blowing things out of proportion to avoid thinking about where they stood...

 

The ease with which Felix prepared and consumed the mass of food on the counter suggested he had done this before. The cupboards were stocked with multiples of the same cereal and pancake mix he was currently consuming. He'd begun flipping pancakes as he finished off another bowl of cereal. He'd apparently given up on trying to save face instead choosing to focus on the task at hand.

 

“Felix”

 

“Hm?”

 

“...can ye’ stop? I just...what is this? Why haven't ye’ said anything about this before? Is this about last night?”

 

Why did he say that?? Not everything was about him and his insecurities.

 

“......”

 

“Look, I'm not so full of myself that I think whatever you're going through is about me, I just don't want to make things worse. I don't expect ye’ to just drop everything and run away with me. We don't even have to talk about it if ye’ don't want to…..but we have to talk about this...it's not healthy”  

 

“What do you mean _this_? What do you think this is? I'm not a 12-year-old girl Jack. I'm just hungover. Look. If it helps we can talk about it but I need a minute to clean up. Can you go grab us some coffee? There's a Starbucks a few miles from here. I just need a minute”

 

Felix had only just turned to face Jack handing him a wad of money and immediately returning to the pancakes. He was clearly on edge and it showed in the biting tone with which he relayed the request. Jack didn't want to leave him alone. He didn't want to think about the reason he was being sent away. He would have to leave later that day either way. If he grabbed coffee from a quieter location, maybe one without lines out the door, he could make it back before Felix-

 

“I'll go, anything you want in particular?

 

“Coffee... black, no sugar”

 

As he headed for the door he could hear cupboards closing and packaging crumpling.

 

//

 _Fuck._ Why the hell did Jack have to wake up at a decent hour for once? He had always slept so deeply in the past and for what felt like ages. The one time Felix wanted him to sleep through the morning, he had to stumble out an hour ahead of schedule looking like a kicked puppy.

 

He choked down the pancakes with a desperation he hadn't felt in weeks and tried to calculate the time he had left. His thoughts were still jumbled and hazy. His brain was drowning in a sea of dopamine from the violent heaving he forced his body to push through less than an hour ago.

 

He hadn't planned on this. When he had woken up beside Jack naked in the light of day he hadn't planned on leaving to stuff his face. It was going to be fine. They'd have an adult conversation about this and move on. But the missed call from Marzia had sparked panic in him. As he sent out a text explaining away his negligence he could feel his own stomach digesting itself. The sudden nausea and the thoughts that he had pushed aside in favor of rationalizing what he had done overwhelmed him.  How was he going to make this work? What if Marzia found out? What kind of person proposes to his girlfriend only to fuck his best friend behind her back?

 

He needed to stop the hunger that was clawing at his sanity. He hadn't eaten in days. He was losing his mind and he could not deal with this right now. And so he ate.

 

That was how it all began. It had been a thoughtless and selfish means of stopping the noise in his head. He didn't know what Jack thought of him or what he saw. His bruised knuckles were bad, but they could be explained away. He just needed to get everything up before the Irishman returned. He couldn't let Jack see him like this, and he couldn't risk puking after being caught with a veritable buffet.

 

The look on Jack's face had been beyond anything Felix was equipped to deal with. He couldn't bear to think about the impression he had made in that moment. He was a slob and now even Jack could see that. He had left so quickly. What if he had wanted to tell Felix what a mistake he had made, what a mistake they were?

 

He couldn't think about this now. Jack was bound to return within the next 15 minutes and he had to get this food up. He could feel it threatening to climb up the back of his throat as shut the bathroom door and leaned over the toilet. He hadn't done this in weeks, and he hadn't planned on starting up again….but who did?

 

The hunger that had gnawed at him had become a consistency that held him together. The mistakes he made piled on as time passed, but the nothingness eating him alive remained. It was bullshit. He was almost thirty years old. He couldn't control his appetite any more than he could control his desires.

 

The choking sensation that smothered him as he spat up chunks of food only served to ground him in this moment. It was a punishment for his lack of control. He could feel his knees straining as he chugged water and heaved. His nail caught the back of his throat and he spat blood as it rolled off his hands and onto the floor. It thrilled and comforted him in the same moment. This raw and visceral reminder of his own mortality. It made him long for the mornings spent stopping up the blood that ran from his abused nostrils. It reminded him of the nights he spent being opened up and left to out to dry. It was a reminder of the pain that he inflicted on the people in his life. He deserved this for making Jack witness to his own sick habit.

 

He was in the home stretch. He only needed to ensure that he was truly empty. He drank more water and let it fall from his throat using only the muscles in his stomach. As he stood up and wiped the blood from his hands the floor pulled at him as he swayed. Spots filled his vision as he grabbed the edge of the counter and braced for impact.

He took a deep breath and turned to leave - this had to be a nightmare. Jack was standing in the doorway. He was holding two drinks from the coffee shop next door.

 

 _Fuck._ How had everything turned to shit so quickly?

 

//

 

Jack had hoped to arrive earlier. He'd gone to a closer shop to get their coffee. He'd ordered ahead over the phone. He'd _ran_ to and from the coffee shop, The muscles in his legs burned like so many wires stretched out and beaten over an open fire. That punishing sensation in his gut had propelled him forward. He had pushed the image from his mind.  None of it mattered. He'd been too late. Everything he'd suspected but refused to acknowledge had come full circle. The crumpled man he'd held only the night before stood white knuckling the countertop and shaking as he searched Jack's eyes.

 

“Why?”

 

“I…. just. I had to do something…. _Please_.....don't tell anyone…”

 

Jack set the coffee on the counter and approached Felix. He took him by the wrist and gently led him to the sink. He ran warm water over his friend's hands and washed them. The intimacy between them remained as their hands brushed in the sink. From there, he started a bath and pulled his own shirt over his head. He brought Felix closer and began to undress him. By the time they were both submerged in the soapy water, something in Felix's shaking and tense form calmed as Jack pulled the Swede back into his lap and wrapped his arms around him.

 

Jack exhaled and Felix followed suit finally relaxing as he leaned back into Jack's chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "  
> dear God, I hate myself  
> and I will never be happy  
> and I will never feel normal  
> why do they live there [tonight tonight]?  
> and why do they live there at all alright alright?  
> flip off the mirror as protest  
> who the fuck are you?  
> "


	4. All the scars are the only god damn way that you can tell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songs for this chapter. 
> 
> Polaroids - Paul Conrad  
> Joyriding - Frank Iero  
> Just cuz you can't - pronoun

In the wake of everything that Felix had pulled apart, the world around him felt the same. He had woken up far too early and was still shaking off the weight of sleep. The bed felt warm and he curled into himself hoping to capture that warmth. Peering out from under the covers, the room he shared with Marzia looked very much the same and he felt at odds with the unchanging environment. Jack had left the night before. He had wrapped Felix in blankets, brought him hot whiskey with a lemon wedge, and placed a kiss on his temple. Felix remembered his heart tripping over itself as Jack pulled away. It had been such a simple gesture of affection. He didn't know what to do with the feeling. It was probably just the abuse he'd put his cardiovascular system through revealing itself.

If it weren't for the ache in his calves and the taste of bile on his tongue, he'd be inclined to believe the past few days hadn't happened at all. He had woken up half expecting to see Jack fast asleep at his side. The sight of his gorgeous soon to be wife should have been a welcome one, but all he felt was unexamined dread. After bingeing in front of Jack, he was less than eager to card through the events that had transpired. He still couldn't believe he lost control like that. He had managed to live on next to nothing for weeks. All of that progress was gone and it felt like failure. 

Jack had messaged him five times already. The messages had been casual and grown more urgent. Jack had a strong moral compass and the infidelity he'd engaged in was likely weighing on his mind.

Sean: hey just wanted to see how you were holding up 

Sean: I know you probably don't want to talk right now but I need to know where we stand so I can move forward.

Sean: I can't just pretend it never happened. I'll have to talk to Signe at some point

Sean: please text me back when you wake up

Sean: is everything okay?

Felix didn't know how to respond. He couldn't have Signe telling Marzia what he'd done. He didn't even want to tell her himself if it could be avoided. Why hurt her when it had only been a night of passion? After seeing Felix bingeing under fluorescent lights with the fervor of a man praying for his life, he was surprised his friend had stuck around afterward let alone messaged him in the morning. Still, his intent in sending them was rooted in moving forward. It was as though Jack felt their time together needed to excised before he could move on. Something about that thought felt like a knife to the gut. The part of his mind that he'd buried with the rest of his flaws was screaming at him. What was he expecting though? They weren't going to ride off into the sunset together. He'd be lucky if their friendship survived the fallout.

Felix: Whatever you need to do. It's fine, just please don't tell Signe it was me. I just need more time. If it helps, we can just pretend it never happened.

Jack: is that what you want? 

Felix: all I know is Marzia can't find out. I'm serious. 

The whole situation was fucked. His feelings were jumbled and masked within his mind. All of it thrummed in his head like white noise underpinning fear. Jack's frantic attempts to repair his relationship with Signe settled like lead in his stomach. She was his priority. Felix was just an easy lay. He'd given in so quickly desperate for contact that he barely understood. Jack wasn't the type to use people. Maybe he thought it was just one of those things. Friends with benefits. Wasn't it? His feelings for Jack had been a shapeless emotion shifting over time and pigmented in shades of lust and jealousy. He wasn't even sure what he wanted.

Still, jealousy coursed through him as he pulled back the covers and climbed out of bed. The floor felt cold and smooth beneath his toes as he strode towards the bathroom. The sight of his reflection in the mirror always cut into his morning routine despite its unchanging interior. He wasn't on sort of crusade to lose weight. It had been such an innocuous endeavor initially. He still remembered how it all began. He had started cutting back as comments focused on his weight began to appear more frequently. It sort of spiraled from there. The catalyst had been a sort of ‘cleanse’ that he had tried out. 

He remembered the first week he spent fasting. When it ended and he was finally allowed to eat, the feeling that he wasn’t allowed to eat remained. It had evolved into a sort of prying voice in his head. 

“Why stop now?”

That thought echoed in his mind to this day. It sounded like nails on a chalkboard. He remembered eating in spite of it refusing to cave to some misplaced hysteria. It should've ended then and there but the thought only seemed to intensify. Eating felt like being stuffed and sewn back up. The discomfort was unbearable. He wanted that heady emptiness back. 

It had grown easier to ignore hunger as time passed. It only became a struggle when he finally broke down and binged. Weeks of uninterrupted progress would be halted in the name of some unconscious desire to eat until he no longer could. The puking had become a compulsory response at this point. What did he have to lose? 

//

Jack paced in his home alone. He had just finished talking with Signe. He came clean in every respect save for admitting who he'd slept with. She told him that if he couldn't be completely honest with her then he didn't deserve a second chance. It stung to hear but he couldn't say he blamed her. It hadn't been as messy as he had anticipated. Things had been heading south for some time and it was inevitable. It didn't hurt any less though. Despite their rocky relationship, he had hoped it would have ended on good terms. He hated hurting people. The look of betrayal on her face echoed through his thoughts. 

 

Time passed and the light in his room had dimmed enough to pull him from his thoughts. The emptiness that surrounded him was overwhelming. He hadn't been alone for any significant period of time in years. Even when he had been alone, Signe had always been a text or call away. He wanted to text Felix again but be couldn't bring himself to hit send. Was he wrong to tell her? He didn't even know where he stood with Felix. One night together and he'd lost the relationship that he'd cultivated for years. He could feel the loss cutting at his sense of certainty. The guilt he felt was more akin to shame at having given up on his relationship so easily. 

The memory of Felix with his fingers down his throat crowded out this rest of his thoughts. There wasn't an easy answer. At least not as far as Jack could tell. He wanted to understand, but it wasn't something he’d been through personally. He couldn't imagine Felix thin and cut from some high fashion magazine peering through a mirror and seeing flaws that required such a violent response. His own image of Felix was crowded with infatuation. His memories of the Swede were comprised of long lashes, pale blue eyes, soft lips curled into a smirk, and brows furrowed in concentration. It wasn't all baby blues and angled features. Felix was brilliant and pragmatic, despite his seemingly insensitive blunders. He was by no means the asshole he was made out to be. All of this contrasted sharply in Jack's mind with the private and suffering person he'd witnessed in a moment of turmoil. 

It wasn't as though Jack held all the answers in confidence and positive self image. Outside of a desire to encourage well being in his viewers, the positivity he put forward was an act in pursuit of those qualities. At the moment, insecurity and regret held a definite lead. He felt hypocritical and empty. His open minded encouragement of others that embracing their sexuality felt cheap in hindsight. His interest in Felix had been there for years and his closeted fantasies reflected that. He didn't have a specific preference gender-wise, and his only experience with another man had been fueled by lust. He remembered fumbling in the dark with another man his age after one too many pints. The morning after he'd brushed it off as one time occurrence. It had been purely physical. His idea of sexuality was rooted in the belief that love and sex went hand in hand. Sex without romantic intent didn't necessitate a re-evaluation of his sexuality. By the time his feelings for Felix had surfaced, it felt too late.

After years of asserting his heterosexuality online, being in a heterosexual relationship, and seeing no future with Felix, it didn't feel right to make a big announcement. What would he have even said? That he's Bi? Pansexual? It all felt complex and he wasn't sure where he stood to begin with. Dating exclusively women and laying claim to a sexuality in the minority was sure to go over like a ton of bricks. Well maybe not, but it didn't feel worth it to announce it to the world. Felix was the first guy he'd felt what could be considered romantic feelings for, and up until now he had no reason to believe the feeling was mutual. Even now, he saw any development between them unlikely at best. Felix was engaged. He was engaged to a gorgeous and talented woman. Why risk a night with Jack when he already had someone with so much more to offer? 

The possibility that Felix had just been humoring him hummed in his subconscious. He did say he had thought of Jack in this way before. It all felt surreal. He wanted to feel Felix near him, inside him, even just shoulder to shoulder in silence. It was a feeling he had managed to ignore for the most part. The pain in unrequited affection used to tear at his heart. He would always find someone new. He'd try to focus on them only to find his thoughts drifting back to Felix. A part of him was angry with Felix for what he'd done. It had been silent and intimate unbeknownst to world outside. The hope he had felt initially was quickly being stifled by the complete lack of interest Felix had shown him afterwards. To be fair, he had been preoccupied. A mess of bloodied knuckles and bile still played in his head on repeat. In the absence of any real verbal communication, Jack's thoughts ran wild with speculation and self-doubt. Should he say something? It hadn't gone over at all the last time he asked. Jack tried to envision his friend in his flat. An ugly jealousy cut into him as his mind graciously suggested he might be in bed with Marzia. She was soft and curved in all the right ways. Jack was wiry at best. He hated the fact that it had happened this way. He had never envisioned himself in this position. Cheating on Signe with his engaged male friend. He had always thought of himself as better than that. It was really his own fault. He was the one that came onto Felix. He was the one that started it all. He should've known better. 

Jack found himself grabbing a bottle of whiskey and pulling back an ample swig. That familiar burn in his stomach always had a satisfying way of flat lining his emotions. A crushing sort of emptiness slowly replaced the multifaceted emotions he'd been attempting to sort through. Satisfied with the nothingness as it pulled him in, he threw something on Netflix and sunk into the couch. As he poured through reruns and drank he ignored the urge to text Felix. Ignored the urge to text Signe and beg her to come back. There was a reason he didn't try to win her back. What was the reason? Felix wasn't interested. He didn't feel lonely per say. He didn't feel much of anything at this point. He felt drunk. 

A vague nostalgia drove him stumbling toward the bathroom medicine cabinet. Glancing over it's contents his eyes fell on the package of double edge blades and the handle they belonged to. A weird fondness for those moments of weakness congealed in his stomach as shame crept in. His brief foray into self harm had been such a low point in his life. The scars were always out of sight and carved into his upper thighs and hips. There was an inherent loss of control in the act. It felt weak, feminine, an uncoupling of his morals in a visceral manner. It was navigating a mess of ideas he'd been fed throughout life that further complicated the stigma around self harm. It felt like letting go. It felt like hands clasped around his throat pulling oxygen from his veins and whiting out the thoughts that weighed him down. He watched himself slide a new blade from it's shelf and set it by the tub. Everything felt far away. Everything was an image in a damaged CRT television. Everything was dulled of contrast, scratchy, and manually fast forwarded. 

He found himself in the tub with a fresh blade in hand and as he pressed into the side of his hip and dragged the blade through, he could almost feel the tiny blood vessels being pulled open and flayed. He could feel reality catching up with him. Hot wet pain crept in from outside of the fog that he'd inhabited. A second adjacent line followed and sharpened his perception. Blood welled up in the canyons he'd carved out of his thigh. A shaky breath of air left his chest and the room around him came into focus. Fuck he missed this feeling. 

Everything was simpler, quieter, and he felt calm. Taking in his newly crisp surroundings, the sound of voices echoed in the other room, he'd left the TV on, there was a pinkish hue to the bathwater and clots forming on his thigh. Fluorescent lighting cast the tiled room in shades of green and blue. He rinsed the wounds in bathwater and drowned the scabs that had begun to form. As he pulled himself from the tub and felt his toes hit the cold tile, blood hung from his thighs and fell to the floor. It was oddly satisfying. The contrast a point in painting something so modern and void in shades of life. He could see the image in a stodgy gallery titled ‘visceral hemoglobin.’ Wealthy housewives would meander around feigning interest and imbuing images with meaning formed from their own experience. When in reality, it was just a pile of human cells lacking any inherent meaning or value. The temptation to adhere meaning to a meaningless act was an entirely human desire. It wasn't art, it was the visual representation of failure. Something malignant had sprouted in his mind when he wasn't looking and now he couldn't pin it down. So much of his past had been drown in denial of pain or more aptly willful oblivion. All of this had spiraled into what he faced now bleeding in an empty bathroom in his late twenties. He'd received a text at some point. 

Felix: how did it go? 

Felix: you okay? 

Felix: Sean

//


End file.
